i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
