Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
being pregnant is like rehab
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
