if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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