I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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