guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
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OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
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Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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