Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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