Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
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There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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