Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
