You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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