whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
