Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
