Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
