I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
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Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
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I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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