apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
