Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
