Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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