Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
