I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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