mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I can't turn off my feet"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
