Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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