It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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