Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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