Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Two words: blizzard sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
where are my pants?
in the oven.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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