dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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