took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
