I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
