I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
