I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
