are you still at the devil's house?
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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