accomplished twins. life is a go
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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