I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
