are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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