the condom got lost in my hair
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
