Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
