dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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