Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
