hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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