I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
