He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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