you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
