He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
