I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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