Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
