True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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