I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
