Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.