Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down