3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he puts the penis in happiness.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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