Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
