I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
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