yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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