So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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