apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
