My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
