I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
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he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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