Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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