it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
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Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
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I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.