you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
you had me at cake vodka
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..