If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.