if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
